Bioeli’s Weblog

  Its been a long time since the last post. Perhaps i should have been paying more attention to the past and reviewing my blogs.

 For four months the gaps in affection widened and spread into gullies. Finally after sensing the drifting and lack of interest in me or mine i confronted her.

 Confronted her lies, small as they were, not out of anger in the situations that caused her to feel the need to lie but the action itself. It was like unplugging a dam.

 We decided after much discussion to separate our living situations and create a rift between us.

 Still she say she loves me, kisses me goodbye, yet doesnt let me into deeper affection or even conversations. We are like good friends, or maybe aquantinces is more like it. We walk our dog. Talk of simple pleasantries and work discussions.

 Drinks are out of the question, reserved for her younger more vibrant friends, where she can let loose and be herself. I wish for a moment i knew her real self. Realizing now that i have never been let in. Always kept apart. Like a doll to bring out when she wants to play with it. A doll that looks at her with unconditional affection and longing.

Perhaps its just to give her the feeling of being wanted. She acts as though i should be the same with her. Happy and content. Showing affection when others, especially family members, are around. And getting disturbed if i don’t show the same. Do I just shut her out and move on? Many say i should. I can see a future where i feel no jealousy and just enjoy being with her and sharing our common interests. Being up front with her and telling each other secrets like old familiar friends who were once more.

 She says that it is easy to fall in love with her but not to stay in love with her. I agree that it is easy to fall in love with her but believe the difficulty in staying in love is due to her boredom with the known. She is selfish right now and should be so she can focus on her own healing and growth. I was just caught in the middle of it and need to revert my feelings to those of friendly love. I need to be selfish too.

 I did it again. let my selfish feelings create a silence that is so obivous. she knows when i feel frustration and honestly tries to ehlap alleviate. but i push away  creating a situation that is unecessary. creating a rift for no reason. Or is there a reason?

 Why do i feel like a second fiddle sometimes like an inadequate replacement. It could just be in my head but the last couple of months have shown a dramatic change in our affection and effection. We dont do as much, laugh as much, care as much. When i try and put a lot of thought into gifts to comemorate special days nothing is reciprocated. A simple smil and thanks, no comments on the substance or reason for the thought.

When spoiling turns to mass produced simple comedy with a small cash deposit. Thanks grandma…. or no wait shes my one and only?

I can understand that situations of the past caused horrible wounds. Will she ever fully heal, probably not. Will i allways be the second fiddle, the replacement?

It started with such intense bliss. Why the change? Even after three months i noticed a decrease in attention, happiness, comfort. Six months later, making love has turned into a treat to for special occasions. Quick, to the point. Maybe once a week or two. No experimentation, no discovering the levels of bliss we could achieve. Six months. Is this a sign that we jumped when we should have crawled?

By week two we were spending every night together, comfortable in sloppy clothes with hair undone. I was ecstatic! The comfort we had achieved reinforced that this woman is right for me. By one month family members were telling us how right we were, reinforcing the quick hop from aquantices to partners. Did we really even know each other? Do we now? 

If we act like a married couple now what does the future hold. If she is allready bored with our bedroom, is she looking for a more exciting one? Or are these paranoid rantings of someone who has never really been scarred. Is waiting to have the knife tear through my body leaving my heart exposed to the world. to rip me open and leave me to heal into a thicker, bitter man. 

 She’s gone.

All I can feel is a crushing that only abates with tears and breathing. Hyperventilating and panic. Adrenalin rushes as i tried to find a way to fix the unconditionally broken.

We lived together for eight years which is quite a long time for a cat but the end was so sudden. I didn’t evn have a chance to say goodbye. According to my roomate she was making noises just before i came in to the room so i like to think that she heard me before drifting off but i’ll never know. She was warm and loose in my arms but my tears couldnt wash away the shroud that had already removed her.

Lately i had been neglecting her as i haven’t been spending as much time at that home. I cant help wondering if my thoughts of giving her away when i moved into the new small condo could have influenced her passing. I’m not saying that it could have been the cause but i sometimes wonder if some type of force could be connecting me to the lives that i love and when i think of them in positive or negative ways that the thoughts are received. We jump so quickly to assume that our limited intelligence is so absolute just becasue we can dominate all other species on this planet. We need to be humbled to realize that our ignorance should be recognized. Anything is possible so how can i believe in any one dogma?

“You want her back?” the vet questioned after reinforcing what i knew. It was too late for any human intervention. It crossed my mind then that most people would probably rather have the vessal taken care of. I raised her and was responsible for her in life and would damn well take care of her after death. We will bury her tonight in a partially public location but in a place she wont be disturbed. She deserves a proper rest just as any other soul would. Her body will return to where she came and nourish other lives in the passing. I just wish i could have let her know how much she gave.

  Since the last post things have progressed quite well. I made the mistake of telling my girl my feelings in a way that made me seem insecure and needy. She responded as she does to this behaviour with indifference. But i could feel the underlying sense of disappointment.

Ok so it doesnt sound like things are well but bear with me for a bit.

Her reaction made me think about the way i have been living for many of the past years and i realized that my tendency to act pouty and stubborn was reinforced by either concern or anger. Its time for me to shape up and live my life as a man instead of remaining a boy. There are so many positive aspects to my life and i am starting to appreciate them rather than focusing on the small negative parts.

New position at work with more responsibilities and higher pay. I have also noticed some extra respect from some of the more experienced coworkers.

We have also been spending more time apart even though she has no place to live until the end of the month. I have been more comfortable with her feelings for me and i think she has noticed the difference.

Been having problems with my roomate who happens to be my best friend…or was until i started dating the current girlfriend. There have been feelings between us that were stronger than just friends at different times in the seven years we have known each other but they never coincided so nothing developed. Some of these feelings must have been lingering on her part though as her jealousy has caused arguments then silent treatments and now she wants to break the lease to get out one month early! Part of me feels sad that our relationship has deteriorated but i have also had the opportunity to observe her behaviour from a distance and realize now how immature she really is and how i was just used to acting that way as well.

Soon enough it will be over though and maybe in the future we will develop a more mature friendship again.

I need to stop thinking of others when it jeopardizes my well being. I have done too much allready and need to find the balance.

 Stagnacy…this word describes how i was living life for many years. While in a previous relationship i tended to stagnate in mnay aspects of my life, education flowed oh so slowly, physical pursuits were negligible, artistic episodes were few and far between. Since i removed myself from this relationship and started to uncloud my mind and release the tensions of my body i have made temendous changes. But they arent enough. Its like i want to make up for the mistakes of the past seven years  within a year.

Immediately after moving out on my own i started a path of reconstructin my life and found that i had tremendous amounts of energy and inspiration. Lately though as i have become more involved in a serious relationship i have found myself reverting back to laziness and depression.

Why do i focus so intently on the other in my life, analyzing all aspects of the relationship and creating a situation where i am only part of an entity of two instead of an individual supporting and sharing my life with another. My identity feels lost even though she does not demand nor has she taken any part of me to intentionally create this dependency. I created it myself and must find a way to release it.

Steps i could take…. Spending time without her to pursue the strengthening of other friendships and hobbies. Also spending time with her while pursuing different interests to create a comfortable distance. I think i should also encourage her to do the same so that we are there to help each other with our separate goals while still maintaining our closeness.

We are going to be moving in together soon and this tends to scare me a bit as i fear falling further into a dependent state since we will be together the majority of the time. Not that we dont spend almost every waking moment together now, but there will be no ‘escape’ if needed. Although while writing this i realize that it could also be easier to spend time apart since we wont need to make plans to bring stuff over to each others home, it will all be there allready.

Another fear i have is that we are rushing this relationship since we both want to start a family soon but realize that we need to take steps to produce stability in our lives so we can bring children into a world without constant stress and disapointment. My parents raised my siblings and i in a relatively poor environment and sometimes i think that i see regret in my mothers actions. What if she married someone else who was more stable in his career and provided more for us. Enableing her to pursue her own dreams. maybe if she didn’t have as many kids she could have worked as well and developed life satisfaction that way.

Maybe my impressions are false as i often find them to be, but the fear still exists.

Selfconfidence comes from the completion of tasks either purposely pursued or that randomly enter ones life. I need to pursue the ones that i long to achieve and keep my senses open to accept the ones that i cannot control. Friendship, social involvement, career advancement, educational pursuits, physical satisfaction, all must find a place in my day to day  activities rather than being scheduled into the future. Keeping present and being satisfied with my existence as it is rather than worrying about how it will turn out. The memories that i will look back at with fondness could be of the least importance now so i have to keep aware of the present. Stay here. Thats where i am after all.

 Spent the weekend at the ladies family property out yellow point.  Gorgeous land bordering the ocean with a small, stable floating dock and all the amenities for a great camping weekend. I walked into a large of group strangers with a few familiar faces. I went into my familiar mode of silent observation instead of putting the effort into creating a social appearance.

There are many reasons why i tend to act the wallflower when meeting new people. It probably started when as a child my mother taught us to be polite and quiet when ever company came over. Reinforcement for being modest and calm.  Stayed at the fringes of school and never excelled at any particular sport or aspect of education.

Back to the weekend. The love of my life is a very loving caring woman who holds fondly onto memories of summers on this property and i could see the happiness pour out of her as soon as we arrived. This also made it easier for me to slip to the sides and allow her to float around the group catching up on old times. I suffered a few glances of confusion when she observed me sitting alone or quietly with one or two of her older male family members, the lack of laughter or intense conversation probably adding to the confusion. When i am with my family i tend to be quite loud and excited while adding to and even creating stimulating conversations. I wish sometimes that i could easily fall into comfortable conversations with perfect strangers and know that the only way to develop this skill is practice.

Throughout the weekend i developed an easier time especially with her immediate family and i think that an impression of my real personality was received. The lack of confidence that i suffer from is really starting to bother me and i hope that i can rid my self of it soon. I know of many sources that are perpetrating it but also realize that the base of it hasnt been identified and that i might need some help to find it. Writing may help and it does feel good to get these thoughts out but some unbiased advice would help.

I have felt the need to write my thoughts for a long long time but never was diligent enough to keep a journal. Hopefully this helps the process.

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